


Colours

by Aisu_Inoue



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Fans, Idols, M/M, Unrequited Love, Warning: Dont read if you didn't like fans having major crushes on idols, will add more as story progresses!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 02:39:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16507790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aisu_Inoue/pseuds/Aisu_Inoue
Summary: What is love when there is to give but nothing to gain?





	Colours

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Okay, this is going to be the second fanfic that I would write it by chapters! 
> 
> This is unbeta'd, completely raw (yes, I posted it right after I finished writing without checking cos I am too excited to post it)
> 
> BUT, I will edit and revise it slowly as I add another chapters, but for nowwwwwwwwww, let's just read the raw version, shall we? Hahaha
> 
> Hope you like it!

_“The saddest thing is to be_

_a minute to someone,_

_when you've made them your eternity.”_

 

_-anonymous-_

 

 

Black.

 

White.

 

Black and white and no more.

 

His mother had always filled his days with words as beautiful as the words in fairy tales; how blue the sky looked, how white the clouds were. But despite of how many times he gazed to the said ‘blue’ sky, all he saw was grey and white and nothing else. Colors seemed like a myth, that nobody would trust and encounter it. Leaves was always black, no matter how many seasons passed. Winter, summer? None make any difference.

 

Though why everyone around him could see those colours? Why he was the only one that lived in this dull world where nothing looked pretty and joyful?

 

He folded a thousand papers, he wished upon a star; but nothing happened. He was still the same. Where did he go wrong?

 

His mind wandered far, to the thoughts that his very existence was cursed, maybe a punishment from his past self.

 

But no matter how he tried to convince himself with those painful thoughts , there will always be those arms that embrace him with warmth, showered him with serenity to prove those bad thoughts mean nothing.

“Mom, is this a punishment for me?”

 

“What do you mean, honey?”

 

Warmth engulfed him as his mother’s arms wrapped perfectly around his petite body. Her head resting on his shoulders, he could feel her breath tickled against his bare shoulders.

 

It was always warm, and it always made him feel more _alive._ The monochrome vision inflicted upon him was no more than a vision of a ghost; dead and soulless. He never felt alive even though he breathed, he slept, he wept. No, except his mother’s embrace, that could at least made his heart beat out of love and joy.

 

“Why can’t I see the colours that you see?” he whimpered. Holding in his tears.

 

“Keito.”

 

Two black orbs stared into his, looking as if she wanted to protect him from the harsh reality of the world but as she sighed, Keito knew she couldn’t hide it any longer.

 

“You’ll see those colours soon. Just wait for the right person to come.”

 

***

 

Another box of his favorite artist’s single was thrown on the pile of unwanted CDs.

 

Yes, his favorite.

 

Usually he would keep his favorite artist’s merchs or CDs, but this one, this _particular_ one, he need to throw it away, no matter if he wanted it or not. Even if he was going to miss this later, it was for the sake of his life.

 

Especially for his feelings.

 

Keito stood again in front of the CD rack, sighing his heavy heart out. His left hand pulled another box, hissed at his own feelings that wavered to throw the box away.

 

Yamada Ryosuke.

 

An idol that took his breath away just by a glance. Even though they were separated by a TV screen, Yamada Ryosuke never failed to make this fanboy heart flutter.

 

It all started from just a mere interest, to inspiration, to devotion, until finally, the words that the idol uttered saved him from sinking deep into the dark abyss, saving his very own existence by being the ray of light that guided him out.

 

Since then, Yamada Ryosuke, as enchanting as he was, had his heart by the tip of his fingertips; his words, his hard work, his looks, his spirit to live -- basically, everything about him was enough to inspire this hopeless soul. To light up his world with his songs and serenade his joyless days with beautiful words.

 

Keito never had opened his heart for anybody else, out of fear, that he was going to hurt anybody with it, or worse, being hurt by it. Every single time when someone made his heart beat out of sync, he would put on his earphones and listened to Yamada’s songs. He knew, his heart would go back to him, with no fear that his heart would be taken by somebody else.

 

That was what he thought, it was normal that fans would go back to idols for comfort. It was normal for fans and idols to share happiness and joy together, to shed tears together, to support each other.

 

Just when he was about to open his heart for somebody else, he couldn’t find it in the same place anymore.

 

It was already taken.

 

The realization hits as he gulped another sip of sake, with laptop in front of him, switched on.

 

Another dating rumor.

 

_‘Yamada Ryosuke with XXX! Started 3 years ago?’_

 

The news hit him like a rock.

 

This was not the first time it came. To be exactly honest, he was already used to it and he didn’t really mind if he really had one.

 

That was what he thought, he expected his heart would not give a goddamn care, but it failed him. He did care, and he found himself crying and being drunk on the fourth day since the rumor was spread. He waited for days hoping Yamada would respond to the rumor but none. Words like ‘believe in him’, ‘follow his lead’ were no longer being uttered, as if it was a confirmation that the rumor was true.

 

And that silence made it worse.

 

The ticket to Yamada’s concert was nearly torn from his frustrated grip. Two weeks before his turn came up. He didn’t want to watch his concert with him feeling like this.

 

It would hurt him more.

 

How a big of an idiot can he be, to not realize the one that made his heart flutter more than anybody else, the one that he always searched for whenever he was broken, the one that made his lonely home felt a little bit merrier had already captured the feeling that he tried so hard to protect.

 

Call him ridiculous, mad; everything.

 

He thought that he was mad as well.

 

This feeling was not valid.

 

This love was not valid.

 

Because it will never happen.

 

Staring to the screen where the laughters visible on Yamada’s lips, he never would’ve thought that this man would change his whole world.

 

The man from behind the screen, from a complete foreign world that he knew nothing about. Even if he knew everything about Yamada, Yamada would never knew he was here. He would never knew that he was always here to cheer him on, to support him from afar.

 

He was just another person in the crowd.

 

“Keito. You’re totally crazy. How could you say you fall in love with someone but that person don’t even know if you’re even alive?” scolded Yuto half jokingly, in attempt of provoking Keito to deny it and say ‘Nah, I was just joking,’ but seeing the dejected look displayed on his face, he knew that the blonde-haired man in front of him was not joking.

 

“I…” He tried to force himself to speak but nothing came out. Speechless, frustrated, that was him right now, completely downhearted.

 

Sighing, he took another sip of beer. The taste was bitter -- just like his feelings -- he hated it, but still gulped the taste down his throat. Nothing could erase this heavy feeling in his heart, even the beer that he disliked drinking for its bitterness. He preferred sake as they were less bitter and less alcohol but he would rather be drunk and forget everything. He wanted to burn the feeling inside of him, to erase it, to destroy the feeling away, but it didn’t.

 

His hand reached out to another untouched beer, but Yuto’s hand was swift, the beer was gone before he could take another sip.

 

“Listen to me, Keito.” Yuto’s tone was serious as he threw the untouched beer can into the dustbin. “Are you totally serious about you falling in love with Yamada?”

 

Looking at the amount of empty beer cans on the table, Keito could sense Yuto was telling him to stop drinking. Yeah, of course it bothered him. For a person that never touched a beer can before, now drinking tons of it in one night, how could he not be worried?

 

But he couldn’t help himself. He felt broken, too broken that he bleed himself while picking up the broken pieces. Tears fell, but he knew nothing could fix this.

 

Light-headed, he nodded softly.

 

Keito was not afraid to tell him the truth. He knew him very well, Yuto was always a good listener, never he belittled his emotions nor laugh at him for being a fanboy of an idol.

 

And now falling in love? How ridiculous could it be, but he was still sitting there, listening intently to what he had to say. No signs of him wanting to laugh or joke about his emotions since the very first moment he broke the news to him.

 

“Hm. This is hard.” uttered Yuto under his breath, hands scratching his head.

 

“Since when do you realize this?”

 

“Since the rumor was spread.”

 

“What rumor?”

 

“The dating rumor.”

 

“Oh, geez.”

 

Keito averted his gaze onto Yuto that was sitting in front of him. It was a little blurry, but he could still see the fine features of the man that had been with him since 10 years ago. The raven-haired man was a complete package; good-looking, a good listener, a very fine gentleman, but why didn’t he just love this person instead? Why does he need to love somebody that was impossible to get?

 

He had enough of his world being so dull since the very first moment he opened his eyes, until now, his world was still in the vision of the 80’s camera lenses; black and white, and for sure, he was already tired of being like this for a long time. Tired of protecting his heart from being hurt.

 

He wanted to find someone that at least, could make him feel alive again, just like his mother did before she passed away.

 

And Yamada made him.

 

Only him, and nobody else.

 

“... You know right that it’s-”

 

“ I know it very well, Yuto. No need to say it again.”

 

The taller one sighed.

 

“ So, what do you want to do now?”

 

Yuto could feel his childhood friend were giving his usual ‘Are-you-kidding-me’ glare.

 

“Yuto, why the fuck I want to meet you if I know the answer?”

 

Silence filled the air for a short moment, before Yuto broke it with another long sigh.

 

“Alright, alright.” Yuto finally straightened his back from resting his back on the couch. “You want to get over him, right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then, try removing him slowly from your daily life.” Yuto’s advice was followed by his eyes scanning around his apartment; he admit, it looked completely normal, like he was never a fanboy. Except for one room,the biggest one in his apartment; his bedroom. Just by a glance from the living room they were sitting, he could see an A2-sized poster of Yamada Ryosuke pasted above his bed frame. He pointed towards the poster as he continued his sentence. “Like removing posters of him from the walls first. Then you can start throwing away or just sell his CDs.”

 

“But, Yuto…”

 

“What?”

 

“ I got hit for Yamada’s concert in Tokyo Dome. It’s next week.”

 

The taller one crossed his arms, feeling defeated; he could predict what Keito was going to say. A sigh escaped his lips again, Keito really did not want to let Yamada go just yet. If he couldn’t even resist the temptation of not going to the concert, he bet that Keito couldn’t even remove the poster in his room, since the poster was a limited edition, from what he remembered three years ago.

 

“You want to go?”

 

Keito nodded, eyes avoiding Yuto’s. Afraid that Yuto had already became tired of him being indecisive like this.

 

“Just go.”

 

A pat landed on Keito's shouler. Abruptly stopping would cause more harm than good.

 

“But, make sure that would be the last one that you’ll attend, okay?”

 

Another nod.

 

“Good. Now get some rest. I’ll remove the poster for you.” Yuto curved a warm smile as he grabbed Keito’s shoulders to help him walk to his bedroom.

 

Keito’s bedroom was huge, his white wall was empty, except the part above his bed frame and the cupboard that was attached to the wall. A poster of Yamada lying on a bed of white feathers, smiling sweetly, matched beautifully with the vibe of Keito’s room. Even though Keito couldn’t see colours, the colour shade between his furnitures blended so well, that people would never expect that he actually couldn’t see those. It amazes Yuto, how Keito never did complain about his inability to see colours but he could still design his apartment as beautiful as those that he saw in the magazines.

 

Once Keito’s back hit the soft material of the mattress, his consciousness faded and the heavy feeling in his heart was gone for awhile, until he woke up again the next day, with Yamada’s poster was already folded neatly on the table. The reality hit him up again as the time passes, and he couldn’t help but to cry again, and again.

 

The CD in his hand flung to the same pile again, adding the number of unwanted CDs in his list. He took a glance over the mirror; the tears had already dried but his eyes were still swollen, his nose was still red from all the crying. It had been days, but he was still the same. Nothing had changed.

 

Staring to the concert ticket on the rack, he swear, this would be the first and the last time he was going to cry for someone.

 

This concert would be a farewell gift from Yamada for him, before he was going to erase his feelings for him once and for all.

 

He was ready to say goodbye.


End file.
